June 19, 2007

Naughty New York

The last 48 hours have taken a strange turn for the worse.
Several incidents have taken place that are important to share.
(Don't get me wrong, all events have been complimented with entertainment)


INCIDENT 1.0


My friend Robb and I were walking to the Weehawkin ferry from the subway. We were on our way to New Jersey to visit my friend Jean who was in town from Detroit. Our journey seemed pretty standard. Pick a destination, look at a subway map, then figure out how to get to said destination.

However, we found ourselves on the west side, in a sketchy area. We are talking about big ghetto guys sitting on the curb with bling around their necks and a forty in their hands. The moment of total sketch was when we passed some ghetto fabulous big black guys with hand guns sticking out of their pants.

Thats it. People with guns. Sorry, but when it has to do with walking by people with guns, things are not okay. These guys weren't cops, why do they have guns . . . self defense, male dominance, penis envy? Either way, it was the first time Robb and I actually saw someone with a gun. The whole time we were waiting to see if any of these guys were planning on mugging us. Thankfully it didn't cross their mind as it did ours.





INCIDENT 2.0


While in Jersey, we were hanging out on a high rise patio overlooking the entire Manhattan island. The view was incredible, and accompanied by the most powerful binoculars I have ever used. Below the patio was a road with a fairly large shoulder. We witnessed more ghetto fabulous moments, this time from a safe distance.

It was the standard ridiculous ghetto guy with his shirt off screaming at some girl. All I caught was a brief fist fight with two guys and another girl in a bikini screaming. Pictures were taken, and up to 11 cop cars came to the rescue. We stood there watching the entire ordeal until the cops were gone. The evening was looking eventful.





INCIDENT 3.0


Fast forward to the next day. It about 10:30pm and I just arrived back in my apartment. I turn on the light to my bedroom and a large COCKROACH startles me and I jump back. Given this is the first time I have ever seen a cockroach just laying on a floor, it scared me to death. Bigger than I thought they were, more gross than I thought they were . . . I was left at that moment with the task of getting rid of the little monster.

My first attempt was to smash it. Laura later told me that smashing them is a horrible idea. If it is a female and you smash it, the roach will leave her eggs on the floor and then you will have more roaches. Unaware of this, I still didn't want to smash the monster. Thinking about the results made my stomach churn.

I reached into my kitchen cabnet and found a nice big measuring glass with a wide-open mouth. I went back into my room, and couldn't find the roach. O great, I was thinking I would find it in my bed while sleeping. just what I wanted. I eventually found it as it started to dart toward my bare feet. In another startled manner I jumped out of the way and trapped it under the measuring glass. The glass though had a lip on the mouth I was not aware of, resulting in the roach escaping through it. Out of mere panic I took the glass and smashed the roach. The shell of the roach chipped, but it was still alive. Also, the glass was intact. I realized how dumb of an idea it was to smash the roach with a glass cup, but all was well.

I then darted into the kitchen to get another glass without a lip. By the time I got back to my bedroom, it was gone. I eventually found it under my bed and trapped it. I then tricked it to go into a Vitamin Water bottle and put the cap on. That sucker is still in there in the garbage.

I WIN
ROACH LOSES




INCIDENT 4.0


This one takes the prize of the most intense incident.
I was waiting for Jean and her friends to pick me up infront of downtown City Hall Park. I was sitting on one of those small pillars that stop cars from driving on the sidewalk. My feet were resting on a wooden police barricade laying on the ground. A short and fat black woman probably in her early 40s started to walk toward me. She had a red sack flung over her right shoulder, and the closer she came I could make out two scars on her face, one on each side of her mouth.

She came up very close to me, and then made a sudden turn to walk on the police barricade my feet were on. She walked on as if it was a balancing beam, and she bounced on it at the opposite end of me like an 8 year old little boy would. She had the same smile and everything. She seemed crazy and more times than not crazy people can be entertaining to talk to for a moment.

So, the conversation went as follows:
(mind that her voice was exactly like miss Cleo, if Miss Cleo didn't have that fake Jamaican accent)

Me: Having fun there, aren't you?

Devil: I despise cops. I kill cops. You aren't a cop are you?

Me: Nope, not me

Devil: Then what are you? (walking on the beam toward me)

Me: I am just a person living in New York for the summer working hard.

Devil: Ahhh, where you come from

Me: I go to school in Virginia

Devil: Well let me tell you son. This place is Hell. You are in Hell. Welcome to Hell. You are going to die here.

(people around us are just walking by eyeballing the situation. I am starting to laugh. This is too ridiculous for words and
her eyes are so intense as she is right infront of my face. Her eyes say she has no soul. And she is going to eat me.

Devil: Don't you laugh. You don't know who I am. You don't want to befriend the wrong people in hell. You better be
careful who you talk to here. Some people are bad. They will make sure you never leave hell.

(I am honestly freaking out now. What the hell is going on. I stop laughing and just look frightened.)

Me: O thankyou for that life lesson. Thankyou thankyou.

Devil: You remember that

(She gets out of my face and walks across the beam and continues on her way.)

2 comments:

Slate Donaldson said...

Crazy lady in hell? There's an ad in that.

Jason said...

There is indeed an ad in that.
Unfortunately it doesn't help advertising for NYC, which I am working on right now.